this is yet another wordy, emotional and boring entry. basically, it's just for me to vent out my feelings.
supposed to be indulged in my SQ notes, but here i am; ironically tearing in front of my laptop. am i stressed? i doubt so. im just feeling tired, and so so heavy; physically and mentally. i seem to have lost all those so-called 'perseverance' and 'determination' which i used to have when i was in sec sch and poly. the way i used to tell myself that i can and i must do it, and i would really push myself to the max. but i cant seem to do that now.
started to question myself; is this what i really want? is this what i want to do? i chose marketing because i thought i liked it, and not because i just want a cert. but apparently, things started to appear that way as time goes by. i dun like whatever that im doing now; advertising stuffs, market research, consumer behaviour etc. initially i chose marketing is because i wish to do events if i had a chance. but theoretically, there's nothing related. im just seeing advertising everywhere. and i realised i kinda miss service and hospitality stuffs; which was what i did during my poly days. maybe im really a more 'service' person; plus my part time job is in retail. and maybe also because i miss those happening days in sch. cant imagine i was such an ' enthu' student back then in NP, as compared to now in SIM. everyday it's just going to sch for 3 hrs and back home. if not, it will be work and tuition. i even start to wonder, if continuing my studies was the right choice.
whatever that im doing now, i just feel it's so commercialized. and stupidly, im contradicting myself. because im a business student, so in a way, things are to be commercialised. sometimes i just wish for things to be simple. i just want a simple life. in the past, i did dreamed of becoming someone that's really capable, and high up in the corporate ladder. but as the years go by, and so many things happening around me, i realised i dun want all these anymore. because climbing up the corporate ladder is definitely involving lots of conflicts and politics; which i already had enough in my 21 yrs of life. and i know it's never-ending, these stuffs are just gonna continue till the day i die. sometimes i would wonder i might probably end up in IMH, or somewhere which i dun even know i might be. but for now, i just want simplicity. and that was also the reason why i tried to enrol for sociology in NTU back then. i was hoping for something probably different. but too bad, my grades werent good enough. and it was only until i worked for the HSBC event, i saw how the event was run and stuff, then the interest that i had for marketing kinda came back to me. and that's how i ended up choosing marketing. but i probably wont find things any better even if i had chosen management.
people have been telling me not to be so hard on myself. am i really that hard on myself? i dun think so actually. i guess im just leading my life the way that it has been since the day i was borned. i've learnt not to self-pity; because there are too many things in life which we dun have a say in. there are so many things which we can't choose from. and there are too many things in life which just dun turn out the way u want them to be; even if u have tried ur best. the only thing we can do is to be strong, and stay true to your own self. maybe there is some way to change certain things in life. i think i might spend my whole life searching, and probably wont find it. i dunno. or maybe someday i will.
the one thing i've learnt is to accept things as they are, and to move on even if it takes to be alone. because no one has the ability to stay by your side forever. people still need to lead their own lives no matter what has happened to you. and i guess, i've also learned to be immune to certain things. nowadays i dun really care much anymore. i just lead my life the way it has to be, without losing myself.
anyway, i know whatever that i've said about my studies, i cant blame anyone; i shouldnt, and dun have a right to complain. because i made the choice myself. and my parents loan-ed my sch fees just to put me in SIM to study. i know im being very irresponsible here by saying all these bullshit above. and i know i should treasure the chance that im able to study in Uni, because there are others who want to but they can't. all these i know. but just let me be for now. im just exhausted. i just want to find some place to vent out my emotions.
like i always do, im gonna be fine after awhile, then i'll be back to the usual me again. and i guess im starting to feel better after venting out so much (:
Labels: life, studies
